Get Those Pork Rinds Ready For Christmas

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated ...

Please read the following ...

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Redneck of the Year

Whenever we refer to those as rednecks when they do stupid stuff that can ONLY be described by Jeff Foxworthy as a "glorious absence of sophistication."

But this woman takes it all ... and I hope they throw the book at the bitch!

Redneck Of The Week

Well, I know it's been a few weeks, but sometimes life happens.

Not to mention that I haven't had much info lately on redneck activity, so this one caught my eye.

Pitbulls and ferrets running loose around babies? What's next, dogs and cats living together?

Some People Never Learn

You'd think that with the scrutiny following someone like Tom Green and his drinking habits, he'd scale it back a little bit.

In a previous post, I highlighted how Green had spent roughly $2,500 on bar tabs in two months at Rookies, a sports bar near New Town off 370 @ Elm St.

The last payment that was recorded was $176 on October 26, just days before the general election in which Green, who has previously been arrested twice for alcohol-related offenses, was trying to reclaim a seat in the Missouri House of Representatives.

I made that post on October 31, figuring that it would likely get back to Green, and he might actually take a hint.

Not a chance! Here are the new totals SINCE October 26:

October 28 - $386.54
November 3 - $183.56
November 6 - $290.83
November 6 - $177.87
November 7 - $358.93

This brings the last week and a half total to $1,397.73, or a grand total of $3,893.45 in bar tabs in four months.

I'm not sure if former Rep. O. L. Shelton is paying attention to this, but his record is liable to be demolished. I suppose it will be safe since Green lost his election attempt again.